hmmm i don't really feel like saying much, though i haven't updated in a while.

i celebrated green beer day for the first and last time. did well enough on my exam the day after green beer day and i don't know how i did on the one on green beer day... though i'm not worried about it.
spring break in boston was fun. i spent the night w/my cousin in TX on the way home. it was a crazy 24 hours of traveling...
i'm excited about thursday, b/c my german friend tina and i are wearing dirndls to steinkeller :) hopefully alex will make an appearance in his lederhosen... hehe

1/2 a semester left. yep.

i started ice skating class today. that's going to be easy.
in a few minutes i'll leave for my first class for the german play.

yeah i suppose that's life.

Sooo this past week was sort of maddening.  I had my interview for the international health program, and I felt like I sounded like a total ditz (something that happens to me a lot in interviews...) and he said that I'd know by the end of the week and I was soooooo flippin out when I hadn't heard.  The what if's : What if I don't get in? What if they don't have 2 of my module classes over the summer? OMG What if I don't graduate before December??  But no worries, I GOT IN!!!! WOO!! :)  I'm so excited to be going back to Europe this summer!!!!!  I am THRILLED.

I have also been flipping out about not having a job, buuuuuut I'm going in Thursday to see about a job!  So I don't have to stress too much about that anymore, which is good because finances stress me out waaaaaaaaaaay too much.

If only I could have my one other safety net back that I had to give up.  It's the one I need the most to keep from dwelling on past events that I shouldn't.  I know for now, that it's better this way, but it's still frustrating because it was such a wonderful, thrilling distraction...  Though perhaps it's time to deal with this, instead of pretending I'm over it and that it's all just fine.  I know it's too late now, so then now what?  How exactly do I forget the memories and let it all go?  I know I can't let myself dwell, but I can't pretend that I don't miss him.  I know that I shouldn't but I do.  Sometimes more than others.  I've learned plenty of lessons from it all. That's good.  I know I'm not completely past it, but I think I've made some significant steps forward in the past few weeks...

Places to Travel:
Spring Break: Boston (sorry Cali folk), maybe Oklahoma City and Houston, TX
Pre-France: London
Dijon and Paris, France (if I get into the International Health summer program)
Geneva, Switzerland (if I get into the International Health summer program)
Germany (Dieses Mal mit der Mutter!)
San Diego (omg Baby Fraley's moving out there!!!)
Seattle
maybe a Colorado trip? (Robin, Syd???)

Languages to work on:
IMMER DEUTSCH
pick up traveler's French
Spanish
Russian

Professional Goals:
Find employment
Grad School

Semester Goals:
be trained for a half marathon (5 miles so far...)
4.0 Presidents List
Promote Delta Phi Alpha and get more people interested in GERMAN!
Maybe take the CHES exam or start preparing for it
Save money for France (if I get into the program, of course)

So... my break started out with me sort of receiving some unpleasant news... I have no desire to elaborate anymore than that.  Anyways I had some issues dealing with it and have spent more time than I probably should have brooding over it.  But I like to make decisions and just get on with things so I suppose I did that, and this particular decision I sort of feel like was made from the get-go even though I don't necessarily think it's the best possible decision I could make, it's the one that my mind had already made for me... at least for now. 

So then... My goals for the semester... well didn't lose weight (errr... that started out well enough but thanks to the holidays and my inablility to control myself around cookies...)so fail on that one.  I ruined my "A/A-" streak at Miami and got a B+ and to any normal person they would be completely satisfied and happy, but of course it felt like failure to me.  I've been trying to tell myself otherwise.  le sigh.  But enough about Debbie Downer topics!

It was nice to have the family together for Christmas and we had quite the festive holiday.  We had a German night where we had German food for dinner and Gluehwein and Plaetzchen.  Syd and I made Christmas dinner and I got no sleep because I had to take care of a diabetic cat that lived 20 minutes away.

Following that I drove to DC via my Gma's in WV.  I got to see my cousins and fam which was nice.  DC was fun too.  I went to a driving range (anyone who knows me knows that's a wtf thing).  It actually was kind of fun.  I also FINALLY got to see Chris who taught me a few swing dance moves (a very few, but I'm still quite appreciative).  Syd, Val, Anne and I went to a party before heading to the Black Cat for the Swing Dancing for New Years.  The party was a lot of fun and was in the community room on the top floor of the guy's building with a fantastic view.  We left a little late and barely made it to the Black Cat before midnight.  Syd and I got on stage with other lovely ladies to shake our maracas... or a maraca.  Then we all danced goofily because most people were too drunk at that point to actually swing dance (with the exception of the few couples who clearly make swing dancing a regular occaision).  Syd took me to Poets and Busboys for brunch the next day which was fun.  We took it easy for the rest of the week... though we did go to her gym once and ran... 3 miles.  10 more to go for me...

Then I drove back to Ohio just to turn around and drive up to Toledo (yes, I know, still in OH) for the JYM reunion.  That was fun!  We played Trivial Pursuit, Tim grilled us a tastey feast... then the next day we went bowling, had dinner and then made our way to our cabin.  We played Euchre (of course), Hearts (Alex's fave), Spades, Charades, Taboo... caught up on lives and future plans (back to Europe, of course!).  It was a good time.  Not quite like nights in the Hof but still fun :)

Lastly, a few New Years Resolutions:
-train for a half marathon (3/13 miles so far)
-find a "real" job after I graduate
-graduate for that matter...
-travel to: Los Angelos, Boston, London, France, Switzerland and Germany.
-go out w/a bang and get a 4.0 this semester (Hey, aim high, right? I've done it before I can do it again...)

soooo friday i went w/my roomies and my replacement for next year, kristin, to a tattoo and piercing place.  just in general a bad idea if i don't want to spend money...  we all left with piercings.  i got my belly button pierced.  i'm quite pleased with it.  without realizing it i picked out a ring that matches my tattoo lol.  wooo!  thursday we're going back so that kristin can get her tongue pierced too.  awesome.

next on my list of rebellious acts: i'm goin out tonight!!!!!  on a monday.  of finals week.  wiggity what??  to explain: i plan on having my study stuff set out for tomorrow's exam (which is at 5:30 pm) before i go out.  soooo not really a big deal.  i'm feeling good about my grades this semester too :)

and i've decided i'm ready for commitment.  well, permanent hair dye that is.  i'm going to dye the under layers of hair a darker reddish brown color.  i think it'll look cool.  it better, because i'm commiting.

lastly, i should be working on my final due between 5:30 and 7:30... buuuut it's half finished and... gah i just don't want to do it lol.  so instead, i'm looking at facebook/myspace/lj.  go me!

side notes:
sort of into 3oh!3.  ridiculous.
omg DC for new years!!!! :-D
interpretive dance study breaks are the best.  talk about stress relief lol.
and i love cosmo sex articles.  they are so entertaining, and i suppose a little informative, lol.

"So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant
I can't help it baby, this is who I am
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away"
-Jimmy Eat World, Kill-

Sooo driving home last night I was listening to the Futures CD and this song just sort of fit...  kind of took me back a little where I didn't want to go, but...

The worst part of it is, is I simply don't know how I feel.  I guess I'll just be up front.  I go out or meet new guys.  It's fun to flirt.  but I never feel that rush.  I've gotten enough dignity and self-esteem back that I'm not just going home with some guy to try and feel good about myself (horrible vicious cycle, because you wake up feeling either used or dirty or some other negative feeling and that feeling of being desired is sort of squashed by all of the negative feelings).  However, there is this one... it's like everything lines up, buuuut it just doesn't quite fit like it seems like it should and I can't decide if it ever will fit or if it's a lost cause... and I'm not the sort of person to give up, it's just most of the time I don't know what to do.

Second on my list of confusions would be... The more I'm back and in my major... I know I had my fun in Europe (hey, legal fun ;) ) and it was cool to experiment a little, it was NEVER something I wanted to continue.  It's weird how I wanted sooo badly to feel what "high" felt like and sure in the end it was fun, but I hate smoking.  It hurts and I like my lungs more.  I guess I'm lucky because my interest in any sort of drugs ends at shrooms.  pot and shrooms.  I've never wanted to try narcotics.  In fact, speed, meth, coke, morphine, heroin, etc.  all creep me out and are too addictive... I never want to be an addict (though I've realized I was soooo close to being a full on alcoholic in germany, my trip down that road was not a physical dependency it was emotional and i've learned my lesson and i'm back to being healthier).  Runner's high will probably always be my favorite high ever.  EVER.

As for other life aspects... 1 more week of classes.  then finals.  Grades look pretty good :) though perhaps not straight A's :(
I got Luna back for the rest of the semester, which is nice b/c I like driving her much more than Lenore.
Tomorrow Delta Phi Alpha (german honorary society) is going to Jungle Jim's to get cookie ingredients (and gluehwein ingredients)!!  I can't wait to get international food!!! WOOOO
Went to Ohio's World AIDS Day Conference.  That was cool and fun to network, AND I met a lady who works at the Cbus Health Dept. who's from Heidelberg!!  I got to speak some German which was awesome :)  And we had our video conference w/Hildesheim in my German class today and that was cool.
AND  I FINISHED my 15 page German paper :)  That felt good to complete :)
Now I just have my Grant and final exams.... SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO close.

I can't wait for new years, I'm goin to DC!!!  and I have a HOT dress too.
I'm also VERY VERY VERY excited about the JYM reunion.  yeppers :)

-i miss my luna car.  it'll be so hard to go back to driving lenore after the weekend.
-i'm 0/15 pages on my german paper. shiiiiiiiiiiit.
-i'm looking forward to green bean casserole and pumpkin pie.
-i'm quite happy :)
-my cat is awesome.  yes i am a cat lady.
- :-D
-I hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving!!

watch Jim Gaffigan's "christmas and easter/holiday" thing on youtube.  pay attention to his comments on Thanksgiving. ;)

well... i guess the best way to describe things right now is busy and complicated.

every time i think i'm close to getting caught up/back on track i'm just knocked off again... i sort of go in and out of feeling like i'm totally in over my head.

i just never let things in my life be simple... that would be easy right?

i guess in my general fashion i'd prefer to focus on the positive... sooo
-mom's coming tomorrow (and she said she'd bring me a kizito cookie from Louisville!!).  she's also taking me to La Rosa's for dinner (oh yeah, spinich calzone).  She's also going to Sex Matters with me (still don't know if I have the other 3 people who I need to go and sign in under my name... gaaaaaaah).
-i get clean laundry and sheets!!!
-i get to see my kitty friday!!! *cat lady alert*
-saturday i get to party with allie :)
-victoria's secret free panty card + 5/$25 on pink style panties + spend $10 get a free gift card = $51 worth of underwear for $26 + gift card that could be worth $10-500 dollars!!!!! wooo!!
-mom said she'd get me a new pair of jeans!
-kroger totally had delicious iced sugar cookies that were EXACTLY what i've been craving for about a week. hahaha.
-almost done with all group projects for the semester.
-i chose a banana over cheesecake at lunch today.  i, however, ate 4 sugar cookies after dinner... well some progress right?



it's going to be a late night... hopefully the only one for the week? probably not though.

sore throat :(

I'd better be better tomorrow. 

back still hurts.

Other than that... school = hectic/stressful.  life = good.

Well things have been busy.  Balancing a social life, school and work is challenging.  Sooo shall I recap the major things of the past 2 weeks or so?  Yes, I think I shall.

Sooo a few weeks back I hit a pretty big low.  It was that realization that letting go meant saying goodbye.  I decided it was time.  I can't tell you how much better I felt after I finally was able to let go.  I was so inspired that I painted a picture (it's almost done) and went for a hike.  Then life sort of happened, and by life, I mean I finally started to get one here lol.

So there was the Russian Party, the first party I actually went to in Oxford this year...  it was a blast.  A great night.  The following night I went and saw the second part of the Global Rhythms concert which was pretty much awesome.  I totally enjoyed it minus the grumpy old lady complaining about, of all things, the use of the drums... hmmm rhythms... I wonder if there will be any drums???  yeah....

Then this past weekend was my birthday party.  It was fun minus the guy who decided that throwing up all over himself in our bathroom, then passing out, was a good idea.  And then didn't even clean it up thoroughly (he wiped up the floor--but there was stuff on the walls, the toilet, the sink... it was a cleaning nightmare.  The next night I went to a friend's 21st then uptown to the Underground and met up w/Kait, Gabe and Chris at Brickstreet for a bit.  It was also a fun night.

Sooo yeah just finishing up my work for the week...

Becky's wedding is Saturday.  It's going to be a family filled weekend.  I'm sort of excited to see my cousins but also sort of dreading the stress and insanity that I'm sure the weekend will entail...

I'm happy.  :)

Soooo my mom would like me to blog that she got a new purse.  This is the first new purse in the past oh... at least 2 years for her.  It was on clearance at $17.  She's very happy with her purchase.

On the topic of my mother, she has started smoking AGAIN and thinks that this is something she can actually be sneaky about.  YOU CAN'T GET RID OF THE SMELL OF CIGARETTE SMOKE or the smell of CIGARETTES from your mouth.  Even with gum I can still smell it on her.  It's frustrating to me (it always has been) that she smokes because it's SOOOO bad for her.  She's quit before--during pregnancy and once when I was growing up (though I caught her smoking again on my birthday...).  I know that it's really addictive and she's very addicted to nicotine.  She smokes because she gets stressed out.  She never has tried to learn better or healthier stress management strategies.  Her smoking and seeing how much it's aged her, changed her voice over the years, etc. is reason enough for me to NOT smoke.  ugh.

But on the subject of cigarette smoke, Syd and I were talking about how we almost find the smell of cigarette smoke comforting because we associate it with mom--especially when I smell cigarette smoke and perfume mixed together.  We've always known that smell I guess.  It's kind of weird.  Both of us don't really like smoking in general, but the smell of cigarette smoke...

Anyways that was a nice little rant.

School is going well enough I suppose.  Did pretty well on my first 2 tests.. :) yay.

Ummm... NOTE:
my birthday is coming up.  I want to celebrate it Oct. 10-13. (OH OH 10/13 is the bday. how cool is that??*nerd alert*).  Anyways I don't know what days I'll be doing what... but want to try and see as many of y'all scattered over Ohio... anyone have suggestions of where we could meet or get together???  Anyone want to drive to Oxford? Or should we meet up by Dayton Mall or the Greens or Fairfield Commons???  LET ME KNOW!!! :)  Oh and at some point, because yes I am a huge dork, I mean, I'm awesome as awesome gets, I'm having a semi-(or maybe full on) Harry Potter marathon sometime over the birthday weekend...

god I'm almost 22.  I should get anti-wrinkle cream... haha

Oh.  and I think I'm going to paint this weekend!! :)  I have this idea in my head, a blank canvas and my paint and brushes soooo yay!!!!!!!!!

the worst did not happen.
maybe now i can read for class...

I feel like everything is falling apart.
my plans.
my life.
I know that it's not entirely true, change does not mean falling apart and I still have control in my life.  But I can't help feeling otherwise.  I feel almost more out of control than I did when I was when I was drinking things away--though as I now know it only made those feelings and insecurities so much stronger.  Or perhaps the consequences of that lack of control are finally hitting me with full force.  Was it just the eye of one big hurricane in my life?

Maybe it's just me being over-stressed.  Maybe the lack of sleep and the mountain of work are just wearing down my spirits and energy.  Maybe the desire to get out of bed will return.  Right now though, I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.  I want to go to class.  I like my classes.  But the counter to that is that I don't want to get out of bed.  I just feel apathetic.

I try to use logic to put myself back together, but my mind and soul want no part of that and I just feel broken.  I feel a part of me has died along the way.  I feel empty and at times insecure.  I'm afraid.  Afraid of consequences that I could possibly face for my actions and those actions done to me 4 months ago.  Afraid of having lost people and things forever that are so important to me.  Forever is a long time. 

But.
I still have the drive to go forward.  To help people and help the world.  I still care.  Sometimes so deeply that it moves me within.  I still love.  Love with everything I have hoping that love will also find its way to me.  Love of many degrees have and I try never to take it for granted.  I know I am extremely fortunate to have the friends and family that I do and I value everyone.

I may be broken, or feel broken, but some of the pieces still function.  I may not yet be entirely whole.  I may need more help, advice, understanding and support in the coming months.  I am dealing with things.  I am trying to heal.

There are so many contributing factors to why I feel this way.  Some of you know what happened.  Some I may not have told.  And the worst of it, I don't even know entirely.  I just know I ended up being the kind of person I always wanted to be there for and help, and now I have to be the person getting that help.  I now know how important that help is.

I am trying to get healthy. mind. body. soul.

"The world's got so dark I need
some guidance to see
'cause this pain in my heart is
taking everything from me
If it's true that love makes the
world go round
Please give some love to me
'cause I'm feeling so alone
right now, it's suffocating me
The air's got so thick I find
it hard to breath
And never before have
I felt so desperately  in need
I know that I must start listening
to the voice inside of me
The truth is that when I speak to
you, I hope to speak to me
God give me strength
to keep on walking"
Jem-Keep on Walking

I bought the flowbots' cd "fight with tools" and jem's new one, "down to earth."  I love both.  Yep.  I worry I'll blow all of my money on music...

So things have been stressful.  First the computer dying, the next week, no power, later that week a flat tire (had to get 2 new tires... and spend 3 hours in walmart) and then yesterday our internet just randomly stopped working (but came back today) which normally wouldn't be so bad except that I had 2 tests this morning and the study guides were online... but the simple solution was to go to the library.  anyways, despite all of this, i refuse to be pulled down.  i'm just going to slack instead... errrrr. okay i made it through today, i deserve some of a break... I'm determined though to keep going.  take that life.

I talked to Syd last night for a long time about my decision to post-pone grad school because in order to write a good goal statement and personal assessment and really produce a good application, I 1. need more time than I have, 2. need more time to prep for the GRE and 3. need more real world experience, since most of the schools I want to go to want some work experience.  Further, if I'm going to fork out $40,000 for grad school, it better be one of the best.  So there is a slight possibility that I'll be going to DC for a few years to work... or who knows, maybe abroad?  Anyways, Syd is great at giving career advice.  I mean, she's gone so far with a bachelor's :) 

I had dinner w/my mom at my FAVORITE mexican restaurant in Franklin today.  MMMMMMMMM spinich enchiladas.  I heart them.  And my mom surprised me with the converse shoes I wanted from Target!!! :) (as well as some food and halloween papertowels).  It was awesome :)

I've had a lot of thoughts going through my head lately... maybe one day when i'm not busy (like in Dec when the semester's over hahaha) i'll have time to write them out and sort them out.

Sooooo we were without power for 3 days which really sucked, but I know it could be a lot worse soooo I tried to keep it in perspective.

Monday I went to meet Mumsy in Dayton to get money (yay being broke, not.), and I was afraid I'd run out of gas because I left Oxford on empty and didn't find an open gas station until Dayton... then my mom called because her car died, so I ended up driving up to Columbus... So I got back pretty late on Monday night, missed the riot about classes not being cancelled on Tuesday but I was so exhausted I just went to bed.

So I've been doing a lot to try and get involved (community service), experience (internships), job app/grad school app boosters (I'm a member of the American Public Health Association APHA now) and in all of this I've decided I sort of have to go to France/Switzerland for 5 weeks with our International Health Program.  Srsly.  I would get to meet soooo many important people in the field, learn about the similarities and differences in health policy in Europe and the US and go abroad again! WOO!  The more international experience I have the better it looks for an MPH in International Health.  Yep.  So now that $8000...

Well I'm pretty behind in online readings/assignments so I should get on that.

I had a blast :)  I actually met Brian, her boyfriend, who brews beer and ginger ale which is cool.  They have a dog, Indiana and now a kitty too!  I tried Polygamy Porter from Utah which as Robin described it, is "really really dark."  We went to a little party at their friends' house and then this morning had to go stuff ourselves at Bob Evans.  Then we found out they could pick up their new kitty in Columbus, so we drove to Cbus and I got to hold Snoopy, another cat, which I now want... and then there was this REALLY pretty dog, Nellie, who was really sweet too. Anyways, Robin and Brian got the kitty and we drove home (and omg, that cat let the WORST fart ever on the way home).  Indiana was really excited about the kitten and she wasn't freaked out about him so that's good.  They look alike lol.  Then Robin drove me back to Mtown (I met her there...) and Lisa, Robin and I went to O'Charley's which was tastey as always.

It was a good weekend.  There was some #11ing, which we all know is all sorts of hotness; beer, good beer; guitar hero, which i suck at like whoa and lots of cats and dogs.  I love how Robin and I can not see each other and barely keep in touch much, but when we get together it's like no time has passed, we just pick right up where we left off.

last thought.  omg, people i know are settling down.  i'm getting old.  hahahahaha

sooo i went up to cbus on friday b/c our toilet here broke (not fun when you pee as much as i do... tmi, i know) and because i felt sooooooooo crappy (75% emotional 25% sheer exhaustion). saturday i was feeling better and my mom and i went to the columbus oktoberfest and i had some actually good bier :) it was a lot of fun and a perfect day outside so nice. and my mom now wants to find a dirndl pattern to make dirndls!! YES. Sunday she made breakfast (yes, Syd, mom cooked--and not like went and got donuts or muffins. she made eggs, bacon, hashrowns, fruit, tomatoes and toast). she wanted me to blog about it b/c it is a pretty rare occurance.

my mom may do the AIDS walk with me:) it's only 5K and i'm supposed to find people to walk in it... i'm also looking up various runs to do (5K's and 10K's--i don't know if i'm ready for a 1/2 marathon yet). I love running :) it really is the best high. def.

in the meantime i have a bajillion and a half things to do by thursday so until then i'll be pretty stressed.

umm ja.

firstly, i'm back to writing in this thing because... i guess it's the only way i feel close or connected with a lot of y'all.

well 6 hours of bored, often repetitive work has given me quite some time for self reflection. and i figured a few things out. the fundamental issue that led to a number of unwise decisions and one absolutely terrible one... is that i don't feel loveable because i don't love myself. i don't let myself feel good enough or worthy and am skeptical of anyone who seems to show otherwise and i look for ways and situations to fulfill this image i have of myself. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. and it got way out of control. and that, friends, is why i feel empty and nothing has filled that void... and i've tried to fill it with many things...material things, sex and alcohol. the closest thing to filling that void and making me feel whole was exercise.

my goal of being so busy i couldn't dwell on these issues has been quite successful (minus the boredom of work). I'm exhausted after not even a full 5 day week. i'm going to have to have good time management. this semester is going to push my limits.
my goals of the semester:
-straight a's
-lose weight
-start paying off my debt
-volunteer
-grad school planning/gre stuff
-possible internship

yeah... it'll be busy. i don't really know what i want to do or where i want to go with my life anymore. germany changed that for me a bit... berlin has been on my mind considerably. but i want to complete grad school in the states... so possibly seattle (UW). i guess i'll just have to see how the road falls in front of me.

i feel lonely right now. i miss so many people. i still haven't seen robin yet (which is pretty lame on my part).

my roommates are nice. we currently have someone's rockband in our living room. i love that game and i want it like whoa. my room is finaly finally getting clean and organized... the lack of order was driving me crazy.

yeah... i guess that's all.

any advice on how to not see myself as an unloveable person?

and to end this, a short story from my thrilling (sarcasm) leisure class.
"What's your favorite leisure and why?"
"Riding a bus because it's relaxing."
hahaha awesome.

So. New year. Last year. I’m sort of moved in. I have a futon for a bed, or as Syd says, a “man-bed.” I have a desk and a cool hot pink chair from Ikea. Speaking of Ikea I will NEVER go there again on a weekend day again if I can help it. Soooooo crowded.

I’m sort of obsessed with the Mama Mia! Soundtrack. Apparantly John McCain and I share a love for ABBA. I find this sort of frightening.

I’m going to try and add at least one more class if not two to my schedule because I need to to graduate on time. And because I hope that if I’m busy from the time I get up to the time I go to bed I might… forget things I suppose I should.

To explain: the first thing I think of when I wake up. The last thing I think of before I go to bed. The in between time is overrun with thoughts if I’m not completely preoccupied. I can’t stop thinking, over-analyzing, breaking down and losing it. I am consumed. I never foresaw this. I have never been this way before. Not to this extreme. And the only way I think I can survive this year is to be as busy as possible every waking moment of my days.
So to clarify the ambiguousness of the last paragraph:

The Winner Takes It All

I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
because it makes me feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all...

I also decided that… we’ll see if I stick to it, not to update for a while. I need to sort things out and if I’m as busy as I think I will be… I may not have much time.

Soooo DC was fun...  My flight from Newark was a little delayed, but in all wasn't too late.  I had lunch with Sarah, one of my sister's best friends, saw Syd's apartment and whatnot.  Then I went up to College Park.  Saw Brenna's new place and hung out.  Due to lack of sleep and festive activities I was out at about 11 and went home at... 4 am.  clearly normal.  The next day (Sunday) Brenna came down and we baked (cookies w/ cream cheese icing w/ white chocolate irish cream... mmmm) and watched the 5 hour BBC Pride and Prejudice.  Then Syd finally got back from VA Beach.  The next day I metroed up (expensive. whoa) to CP and watched the newer 2 hour Pride and Prejudice w/Brenna (We've been planning this P&P marathon since before I went to Germany) and then went back and had dinner with Syd and Sarah and had Buzz cupcakes :).  Syd and I hung out and found out our mom was in the hospital (though non life threatening apparantly, even though they still don't know what's wrong with her, she's home and I'm her bitch for the next 6 weeks--while she looks at magazines, reads books and watches movies she tells me what to clean.  nice.  eh, I owe it to her, she over works herself most of the time.  and she can't lift anything more than like 5 pounds for about 6 weeks...). ANYWAYS.  Tues I met up with Syd and 2 of her coworkers at Big Buns for lunch.  Then I went to the Hirschorn Art Museum and then the Pentagon City Mall since I didn't get Syd's message until I was back in Arlington about being an hour late... Soooo Syd and I went to Noodles and hung out and watched South Park.  Wednesday I went solo to Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 (free ticket, woo) and then met up with Syd to go to dinner and Mama Mia! with the ladies from her old work (ladies night) which was awesome.  They're all so nice :)  Then I packed sort of.  Then there was getting home, which earns it's own paragraph...

So I decided to walk to the airport because it was a little over a mile, I'm cheap and I figured I'd be sitting a lot so I might as well get the exercise.  It was HOT.  So I was sort of gross when I got to the airport so I changed shirts and went to my gate.  Right as we were about to board a thunderstorm rolled through and delayed us just a little.  But we still made it to Newark ontime.  Except once we were in Newark, we no longer had a gate so we had to wait 15 min. for a gate.  (Did I mention I had about 30 minutes to make my connecting flight?)  So we get to the gate, and I gate-checked my bag btw, so that took forever.  By the time I had everything I was attempting a mad dash through the C concourse with a suitcase and a big bag and my pants did NOT want to stay on.  I decided speed walking might be a better option before my jeans fell, seeing as I doubt the Newark aiport wanted to see that but anyone who saw me knew what color my underwear was...  classy.  I get to the gate and the plane has just departed.  fuuuuuuck.  For once an Newark flight was on time.  So of course I ask to be rolled onto the next flight to Columbus.  I get to the A concourse gate to find that it is delayed.  Of course.  So I wait about 3 hours to get on the flight and finally we board and then we push back and then we sit for 3 hours.  wonderful.  Finally at about 8:30 pm ish we get to taxi out to the runway and leave. loooooooooooooooooong time.

Next order of business on my whine-o post... aspects of the flight... the guy next to me was a young professional.  At the beginning of the flight he was flirting with me but I was sort of in a bad mood (minor... quarrel with the sister on the phone) and just kind of wanted to be left alone... Then I saw him put his wedding ring back on.  NICE.  Then he started flirting with the girl in the seat in front of me, and strangely enough, his wedding ring disappeared again... until she showed no interest.  Finally giving up he started talking to the guy next to him and they started talking about families and his wedding ring stayed on after that.  So... I sort of found that amusing and sort of just found that to be evidence of the fact that guys are jerks.  the end.

I was supposed to go to WV to see my cousins and Gma and go to my cousin Becky's wedding shower, but since my mom was in the hospital and I have to help take care of her and there's only one adequately running car here to get me to WV we had to cancel that.  I also found out that Katie and Becky informed my grandma that I had scandalous pictures of my wild partying in Germany online and that she just shouldn't see them so who knows what the Gma thinks of me now haha.  She was like, "they said you had pics smoking pot up.  Why would you put that up?"  "HAHA that was Amsterdam.  It was legal.  and Jana and Elena insisted on me having a picture or two of it.  whatev."  I'm not going to pretend like I didn't do it...  Just hope the next time I see the fam they don't try to have either a religious intervention, think I need a drug intervention or some combination of either.  That year of my life as unfortunately come to an end and with it those experiences.  It was fun and I have no regrets.

My mom was going to help me move, but since she can no longer pick anything up she can just sort of go with her credit card and I have to find a second set of strong arms to help out w/the furniture and IKEA run... anyone free the 16th???  I'd really appreciate it.  I'd buy you a cookie, a beer, a whatever you want that's legal if you'd help me :)

and that, I believe, is it.  Hope you all are having a slightly better life than me at the moment.

things will work out.  things will get better.  just gotta stay positive.

Firstly, got a new cell.  it's pretty and red and I have my same old number :)  So call me/drunk dial me/text me!!! (I have unlimited text now, so woo!)

Next, the car shopping adventures:

So my dad gets my lovely Luna for one more year and my parents are buying me an el cheapo get through school car.  So we've been looking at used car ads and calling and visiting and test driving and all together, a lot of it has been quite amusing.

Trudy:
The first car we checked out was a Volvo (love Volvos btw...) So it was a stick and I was curious how bad I'd be after a year of not driving a stick.  Didn't stall!! :)  But I didn't like the way it drove and the guy selling it was telling all of these stories about his family friend "Trudy" who had given the car to him and why he was selling it.  The add makes it sound ueber nice, you get there and he's like, "Oh, I forgot to mention, it has a cold start and the hood clasp is broken so I've made a make shift one out of twisty ties and about two weeks ago the odometer stopped turning..."  UM NO.  We knew he got that car at auction and didn't know jack shit about it.

The Accords:
We called about one, my mom asked, "Do you know of any mechanical problems?" "Well,  there's a censory problem... the speedometer doesn't work, but it's a stick so you know how fast you're going..."  UM NO.
The other one is an 87 but it's actually not bad and has a VERY nice CD player in it and everything works... so we have an offer in on it.  It's old but it drives really well and has low miles... it's just sort of ugly...

The Volvo Station Wagon:
You know that I loved this thing as soon as I drove it.  It drove like my 240 DL.  But it was the 92 model and the cute boxiness of the older Volvo is replaced with a kind of ugly boxiness and it's an auto... Plus the a/c was broken and the windshield was cracked (otherwise in EXCELLENT) shape, but at the top of the price range... and it'll need the a/c fixed so if the accord doesn't work out we're going to go for this one b/c it has HAULING capacity :)  And it's a wagon.  and I heart Volvos.

I love when men see two women buying a car they think they know NOTHING about cars or what works and what doesn't.  When you've had as many lemons as we have, you can hear a problem and have some idea what it is...  I'm curious how different the buying experience would have been if a guy had been with me instead of my mum. 

anyways... I may have a car tomorrow! Or I may not...

Soooo 3:45 am rolls around in Munich, which means unfortunately time to say goodbye to one of the best years of my life and awesome people and a fantastic city.  I bawled my eyes out on the bus to the airport.  The flight I slept the whole time.  I don't remember taking off and vaguely remember landing (a first for me, I never sleep on planes).  The long international flight, Halayna, Jill and I had the luxury of getting to sit next to the 3 year old child who wanted to scream his lungs out as much as possible (he was such an attention whore, if anyone ignored him he'd start screaming).  Joy.  Somehow still, I dozed a lot on that flight.  I watched The Other Boelyn Sister, which was really good.  Both the Lufthansa flights were on time.

Then we got to JFK.  Smooth journey ends here.  Said more goodbyes :(  Made my way with my ginormo heavy suitcases, violin and heavy backpack to buy my ticket.  Then had to change terminals to go check in.  There were issues getting Delta to list me on the flight and i had to pay $160 freakin dollars to check my overweight bags (I only had to pay 40 Euro, and as bad as the dollar is, it isn't THAT bad).  Gah.  So get through security and the plane is delayed.  Get food.  Wait.  Wait.  The plane is delayed more.  They finally load the plane and then we sit AT THE GATE for almost 2 hours.  Finally get to back out and as we are, they realize the baggage wasn't packed right and the weight distribution is wrong.  Go back to gate.  Wait another hour.  Lose our place in line.  Wait some more and get to go again.  Get to the runways and are waiting to be told to go when the storm breaks out.  All flights taking off in the direction we needed to go are grounded.  Pilots don't have enough time (16 hour work day from FAA regulations) and we have to go back to the gate.  Flight is cancelled.  It's 12:30 am and everything is closed and I'm hungry so I ate a small bag of trail mix ($1) and have a bottle of water ($2).  Find out my bags are fated for Cincinnati, whether I make it or not.  Call my mom with a PHONE CARD on a PAY PHONE (cell would have been REALLY nice to have this trip...).  Sleep in Baggage Claim area in JFK (I locked my laptop and stuff up in my backpack.  Slept with my arms between all of my straps on my backpack and violin and slept in 40 min intervals).

Next Morning I wait in line to try and get listed on another Delta flight or change my destination.  Don't have a ticket stub or Itenerary to prove I WAS listed on the flight.  Go back to Baggage claim desk, turns out the lady never gave me it back when I was asking about my bags.  Go back up.  Have more problems getting listed on the flight.  Finally the manager (who was rude enough to me, btw) tells her to just put me on the list and tells me, "I don't know why, it's not like you're getting anywere out of JFK today."  Well obviously not hub-to-hub travel, but you won't let me change my city.  Get fed up and go talk to Continental.  Decide to go to Newark instead and try from their hub (easier to change destination city).  Take Shuttle, get to Newark, get listed on a flight to Columbus (start with the first flights, even though it's highly unlikely, wait for the last one which is open).  Meander around my favorite Concourse... Can barely stay awake (literally if I closed my eyes for more than two seconds I'd nod off... it was rough). 

My flight to Columbus was delayed about an hour.  But I got on it and had three seats to myself.  and slept.  I didn't even know they came by with beverage service.

So things that added to the awesomeness of this trek:
-screaming babies
-my lymph system was sooo not working my feet and hands were swollen, it was gross, and it made my feet blister a little--though they're fine today, thank goodness--so by the end I couldn't really walk without pain)
-I smelled gross.  OMG I was soo happy to shower when I got home.
-As I bent down to get my stuff to go up and get my official ticket for the Cbus flight my bra clasp broke entirely and my bra wouldn't stay shut.  NICE.  at least my tank top underneath and a built in and kind of kept it in place (with the aid of my jacket) but my mom nicely informed me when I took the jacket off that my,"you're boobs look deformed.") Really, a great way to end the awfulness of that trip home.

Since being home:
-I showered, it was great
-I slept, amazing
-That plan for my mom to not know about the tat ended when I was straightening my hair today and she saw it... how can brenna have 5 and keep her mom from seeing them for over 2 years now and I get one and can't even go a day??  haha mom just sighed that evil sigh of hers and told me she thought it was a trashy thing to do.  I'm just getting in touch with my roots mom.  haha.
-Got my new license
-Got my luggage (it was sent from Cinci to Cbus for me)
-ate Skyline
-ate ENCHILADAS
-looked for cars...
-got my DSH test results and somehow got a 2 on the muendliche Pruefung!!!!  I got a 2 overall :)

Tomorrow:
-NEW CELL PHONE
-maybe new camera
-more car hunting
-more unpacking

it is weird being home.  I can't believe my year abroad is over.  it went too fast.  I don't know what to think or feel at the moment... I miss everyone and Munich so much (when I unpacked my mass and Bavarian flag I had to play Bayern des samma mia and then ended up crying because it made me think of the Bayern Party and the Abschieds Party, zum Beispiel).  I think if I ever go crazy (I mean like mental institution crazy) they'll probably find me in a dirty dirndl, clutching a flag, drinking beer from a mass and muttering in incomprehensible German... oooh that could make for a great character for Tight White Capris with Stripes.... we need to get working on that soon ;)

I know when I get on the plane to come home in a little over a week, that in the last few weeks I will have had here, I will have lived/experienced more than I think I have in my life. In the past 3 days I think I could say that... and i know it'll only get crazier. This has been perhaps the best year of my life, despite the fact that it's also been one of the hardest, most frustrating at times and definitely not perfect years of my life. It's been awesome because Munich is awesome, the people in my program are awesome, I've learned so much about myself too. I think that's the biggest thing. I've learned to be okay with who I am. The last few months have not been easy, but I've learned a lot, and I definitely think in the past few days especially, I've let go a lot of things that I needed to.

Returning will definitely be weird. I'm excited to see friends and fam again, to eat GOOD MEXICAN FOOD, among all of the other delicious foods I miss from home. But I've changed too, how will it feel to be back among everyone now? I'm excited to see what the next year holds for me... where life ends up taking me (or, basically what decisions end up feeling right and what I choose to do with my life).

I can't explain it well enough yet. this year, the changes, but... wow.

I wondered how long it would take me to get to happy... less time than before :)

1. I'm am SICKLY SICKLY SICKLY obsessed w/the Skinny Puppy "PasturN" song. it is AWESOME, and thus my Myspace song. I don't know if it's the borderline lethal levels of caffeine coursing through my veins or the just the sheer awesomeness of this song, but I CANNOT GET ENOUGH. It's orgasmic.

2. The best look in the world: snl digital short Watch it. Love it. genau.

3. Yelle, french techno-y rap whatnot singer girl. Some of my evil conneiving friends over here played this for me and it is quite addictive, though perhaps, not quite as much as PasturN from Skinny Puppy...

4. This wonderfully (and I'm going to hell for laughing at it, though do marvel at their skill...) hilarious, i mean awesome youtube video: check out these sweet moves!

5. These news articles on erectile dysfunction (this may also be the caffeine and end of semester stress, but there is some FANTASTIC journalism going on here): have more sex guys, it's good for your health! and and so is watermelon!

Okay, yes. stress/procrastination, unhealthy levels of caffeine and coke zero are probably to contribute to most of this madness... buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut you should still check out these things and enjoy them like me! :)

So my friend Janet wanted a haircut and so did I. We got these coupons in our mailbox, so we call the place and make appointments. Janet's was today, mine is on Friday. Needing moral support, I accompanied Janet to the Friseur. We get there and find a very small place, but it seems friendly enough.

Janet sits down and shows the Friseur (male hairdresser) pictures of what she wants. She then recieves, as she explained, a great head massage while getting her hair washed. The Friseur begins to cut Janet's hair and make conversation, translated it goes something like this:
Friseur (F): So where are you from?
Janet (J)I'm from Canada, but she's from the States.
F:Oh you're from USA? What do you think of Bush? (first time I've been bushed--haha-- since being over here, but just wait)
Me: Eh I'm glad he can't be president again.
F: But he's so great! He's Christian. Without him terrorism will come back. (WTF?) Have you all met German men yet?
J: Well we've met a few, but haven't had any relationships.
F: Oh just sex then?
Both: What?????
F: We're really open here... But German Christian men are the best. They don't cheat. You should find a Christian man. Are you Christian?
J: Well we grew up in a church.
F: Oh. (looks at me) Do you like to party? You have owls on your shirt. YOu know, like a night owl.
Me: Well, I mean, I do party...
F: I don't drink or smoke. I am a Christian
...

A little later, as he finishes Janet's hair (and after more Jesus talk), he hands her the blow dryer and is like," here, start drying your hair I'm going to go get a present for you all that hopefully you'll find useful in the future."

He leaves and comes back with the exceptional Bestselling books, "Praise-The Ultimate Experience-Worship-The Ultimate Relationship" (which mind you is written by a pastor of a 5200 person church of the name World Harvest Church in COLUMBUS OHIO) and "A Prophetic Vision for the 21st Century--A Spiritual Map to Help You Navigate into the Future."

Janet and I walk out:
me: I want a beer.
Janet: I want a cigarette. And this is not what I wanted for my haircut.

Too bad I'm trying not to drink until my work is done :( It would have been great fun to drink and read enthusiastically about how I can have an intimate relationship with Jesus (which I'm assming they mean something other than with jackhammer jesus) and which one of those damn voices in my head is God.

Friday should be quite interesting.

Pardon my cynacism.